You live & You learn.

Dear Mr. Different Page,

It’s funny how the person you want to pursue is never interested in you, but the person who gives you their full attention is always dismissed by you. I seem to have found myself in this situation with you, and I sometimes question if in fact I’m the broken lover. I will say that I can respect that you were somewhat honest about what you wanted out of a relationship from the start.

At the same time you were never really 100% clear which led to some confusion on where we stood. Broken relationships can result from two people wanting the opposite things therefore preventing for expectations to be met. After all relationships are built on the grounds of expectations that we hope to meet for our significant others. I would say that our situation was a little different because we never discussed what either of us wanted bluntly.

My reasoning was to not bring pressure into the situation not knowing that sometimes finding out answers prevents misunderstandings for the future. My way of dealing with our miscommunication caused there to be a standstill relationship between us, which would eventually fade into us just being friends. That was real upsetting I must admit because I really liked you, and was actually excited to be in your presence.

Everything happens for a reason I suppose, but I’m not going to lie the s%$# sucks. Sometimes it’s just best to suck up your pride and nervousness for the sake of making a relationship work out. You live and you learn.

Signed,
Confused

Are you still in love with me?

Why can't I get the benefit of the doubt to believe that maybe I'm over reacting . I feel as if I have to pave a way from your mind to your heart for your acknowledgment of my love. It’s slowing moving its way down, but there’s a road block.

Why can't you talk to me about the things you say I just can't understand? How can I understand when you NEVER open up to me anymore? You say you trust me well utilize the trust and utilize our relationship so it can grow. I want to be with you more than all the other guys I can possibly imagine myself with. Which, I won't because I ONLY imagine myself with you.
 

It's so HARD for me to not imagine the way things shouldn't be, but given by the way I’ve been feeling I do. Why I say that? Because I shouldn't be imagining or feeling that. I shouldn't be thinking about what's wrong with us. I want to think about what's good for us, help me, help us.

I've been your friend before we started dating and I'm still your friend now. Can you imagine going back to being just friends with me. It's oblivious to my sight, how I strain myself to put a little love into our relationship. I don't want to make things difficult. I just don't want you to think that things have changed because we still have that friendship, but a little bit more.
 

I know deep down you love me, but I want to know if you still are in love with me. I question myself, am I doing something wrong am I straying in the wrong direction. I've bombarded myself with these same questions. God, please help me, I beg you to guide me. Please tell me that I am here to fight, to fight for what I love to be a part of. I scare myself with possible resolutions, the maybe he doesn't want me anymore thought, the maybe he found someone else thought, the maybe he never even loved me thought. I just wish this sh*t would get the f*ck out of my head.

How can someone deal with a plethora of thoughts that they try to answer themselves? But how can you try and answer all when there should be one f*cking answer. Just one, one f*cking answer that I wish he could answer. I feel sick, I feel like I'm going insane without actually going insane, but it feels as if I'm going to get there.

“Damn, girl it's not even that serious,” there goes another thought. Really, it isn't that serious? Because from what I’ve noticed if this wasn’t bothering me daily then it wouldn’t be serious. I just care so much for someone that I can't let go. I know he doesn’t want to let me go, but I need this heavy weight of thoughts off my damn shoulder.

So what do I do, push? Maybe I should push for something even if it's just a little it's a start. There's the difference that I do acknowledge and that's to not push for something that isn't worth pushing. This one that I have is all worth it and I'm going to make something work. I have to realize that things don't always run according to my needs and my want. Surely enough I'd be damned if I realize that what I give is given to someone else who doesn't and will never appreciate what you give to them. 

So I see this as a challenge, if I make it through, it was worth the fight, and the strong feeling that I have, I hope I’m right. What would you do if deep down you felt a strong challenge, would you go for it or dismiss it? *Heart vs. Mind

Tug of War.

I've been interning with this company for a very long time now. I've built a solid relationship my supervisor and everyone in the office. I go above and beyond my expectations as an intern. Of course there are more than one intern. We all are extremely close and work almost like a machine together.

Things sound great huh? but when I went to find out the next step I should take from here, as far as staying here full time, no one had an answer for me. Now you would think after all the great feed back that I was getting I would be set. Wrong!

At this point, I'm feeling as though I'm wasting my time. The only thing is that I don't know if it's my heart or my mind making me feel this way. One day I come in and I want to stay. The next day, I'm just completely over the situation and just want something better for myself.

Many people tell me  not to leave, just stay, that there might be an opportunity, in disguise, that may be coming my way. I find it hard sometimes to believe that if I stay, I will be rewarded for my outstanding workmanship as an intern. But I do believe that maybe when I go that I may miss out of something.

As I struggle with this situation, my heart and mind is going through a crazy battle of tug of war. I don't know who's winning, but I sure hope they make a decision soon cause for right now I will remain the, forever intern.

Emotion Warzone.

So I never really understood what the real difference between following your heart or using your mind was to justify various situations, until I met “him”. I met this guy many years ago and although we never were in a “titled” relationship, we were good friends with benefits of course.  Till this day I question what it was that I felt for him, and if it was real or just my imagination of what kind of relationship I thought I was in.
 

After some years passed I even found myself using that dreaded four-letter word that either creates a beautiful world or destroys it! I honestly don’t know if that word came out my mouth because I thought it or because I felt it. I do know that there is a major difference, and when it’s hard to distinguish the difference that there’s a possibility both your heart and mind is in action simultaneously.
When I told him that I loved him I do believe that a huge part of it came from my heart, but my gut wasn’t all the way in sync with my thoughts about him. I may have just like the “idea” of being in love and psyched myself into thinking I meant it. My mind was in full control at this point.
 

I know this sounds off the wall and f#%^ed up, but I was a teenager and I never experienced using the word “love” with someone who wasn’t related to me. It was all new to me, but I really feel that you can confuse using your mind, to think you really care for someone, versus using your heart to solidify that there’s something deeper than just caring in existence. 
 

I’m still young and learning this whole emotion thing, but I know that when I follow my heart, based on my experiences, I am usually in the right direction.

Mind blowing, Heart slowing.

I could never tell if I liked this person or if I was just distracted by all of the mind blowing sex we were having. Any simple touch he gave me drove me crazy. Even the way he said my name did something to me.We only knew each other for a month  but by the 5th day we were already in lust. The physical/sexual attraction was just to strong to hold back, so I gave in .

3 months later, I began to realize that the only thing that was getting better between us was the sex . He couldn't offer me nothing more or nothing less. My mind was telling me I really wanted him but my heart was not letting him in.

I hated his personality but I still hung around him anyway. He didn't understand me and he was so judgmental but, I put up with him anyway just because of the sex.
I tried to force a situation that just wasn't happening at this point and I realized that we would NEVER be more than just great sex .

A look back.

This poem is for any one who has ever hurt you, whether that's family, friends, boy friend/ girl friend. It's for the times when your heart tells you to move on but your mind is convinced it will be different. I just ask you to take a look back...

Every time I thought I wanted to be with you,
You once again proved to me the reasons why I've never went back; contemplating thoughts of love but being wanted is a fact.

Is it that what calls me in to a slumber
Have me dazed and confused like the first days of summer?
Hot and bothered
I take a dip
In the pool of you
While my heart stands there out on limb
I'm scared but I don't turn back
Awaken by your voice
The noise and the scratch
The attack of empathy.
I see in your eyes the tears , the joy, the anger that you cry
I find that it isn't my duty to comply
  Of course I love you, I can't lie
But are you really what I need in my life?
I had you once don't need you twice
Let's not forget why it ended the first time...

Let's check: The Lies
The Friends you heavily relied
On 

Or forget about me that's fine
Looking good for who ever
But Thought I was your baby
I guess I found out the truth
Cause you sure had me fooled
Silly of me
Silly of we
To ever think this will work again
I take a look back so I understand why we must be friends
Cause my heart can't deal with the pain
And this is so for real
Even though its hard to swallow
Like a big *ss pill
I think you make me better but I only get worse
Now that I now my purpose,
This look back made me look deep in the blues like the ocean
I see it how I call it..
 Now it time I  move forward...

Nothing worth something comes easy.

Trying to figure out if I love you with my mind...or with my heart. If its my mind then this is just temporary. But I don't think the amount of time we've been involved would be considered temporary. And if this were temporary, why couldn't I let it go? Why can't we stay away from each other? I guess that only means one thing. Its my heart that I love you with. I know the feelings are mutual. Something told me to keep going & not to give up on you ; & I did. This is definitely something special. We are probably meant to be, you never know. We are the right people, at the wrong time, but I won't let something like 'time' get in the way of our love. It has to come around at one point & I guess our hearts will be the judge of that. Even when you make me upset, disappoint me,  make me cry, hurt, and are distant, my feelings never change. Nothing worth something comes easy. I'm ready for the complexity, and hardships that will hit us because I know that after every storm comes a sunny day. You have me, all of me and I'm not afraid to admit it. My heart needs you and I just hope that yours needs mine too. Soon you will realize that I'm on your side and will never do anything to hurt you. I want you to give me your all no questions asked because from day one that's all I ever did for you. Heart vs. Mind ...my heart won .

The best friend who says.

I’ve always been the friend that always “say”, not because I’m opinionated, but I do give good advice. Though this may sound like it not such a good thing, I’ve found a way to give my opinion without controlling the situation. This is something that most “best friends fail to do.

You can ask any of my friends, if they ever wanted any advice from me, I always tell them what I think, and let them know that at the end of the day, its ultimately their decision and I can only support their choice whether I agree or disagree. Even if I have never been in that situation, I use examples from life experiences that my family members go through. I try my hardest not to mislead anyone.  Any advice I give is in their best interest.

So I have this one friend who was in a sticky situation, expecting a child. Now I know the life state that this person was in and it was my opinion that it wasn’t best for them to bring a child in the world if they can barely take care of themselves. Now, I am NOT pro abortion but I am pro Choice.  This person said that others they have told felt that it was selfish to have an abortion and that it would be good for them to keep the child. I told her to ask them if they would be there if she was at her lowest, would they be there to help her out.

I then told her to take a look at their financial situation, their living condition at home and really think about how selfish it would be to raise a child in a situation like that. Every day this person complains about money, food and trying to live on their own.  Those who know me know that I have about 3725709270957809850985 cousins and I can testify that babies aren’t cheap! They felt that their significant other was stable enough but wasn’t ready for a child.

Ding!  Right after that I said “look if they aren’t ready for a child now, in 9 months they would be even less ready and God knows how long it would take for them to ready, raising a child single is very hard. If you are not mentally prepared for what is about to take place then you need not to go forth”.

But all they could think about is how cute the baby would be if it was born, but then how even more broke they would be, then whose hair the baby would have and then no more trips out of town. As a close friend, I ended the conversation by telling them that it’s not about what I say, or their other friends say, its barely about what how the guy would feel, since this was the 2^nd time they were in this situation, you have to know what right for you and at the end of the day, I will support the decision you make. You will know when you are ready for a child, I told her. Then I begged them to use contraceptives, birth control mainly since they refuse to use condoms, smh.

Disclaimer: But to all those reading this, I would like to say that this  is only the view of me, the writer, this is not the view of , or an view associated with what NolabelsBklyn is about. I DO believe in Choice and I will/do not push my views on to others. In this story, whatever was done after that, was the person’s choice.

I believe in safe sex, and I encourage all to use all methods out there to avoid being in this situation. Abortion isn’t the only option 1^st option . If you can stop it before it gets to that, the better.

Thank you.