COMING SOON!! STARTING OVER...

Ms. Caught Up.

So this had to be like junior year of college. This girl and I were “talking” (whatever you kids call it now a days lol). For some reason, I wasn’t really into her too much, but whatever. I think it was the over flattery, she just seemed so fake, “I like you soooo much, blah blah blah”. It didn’t seem genuine, she didn’t know me well enough to have such strong feelings, and so I always kept her at a distance. Despite the over flattery, she was actually a cool chick to hang with, so I couldn’t just cut her off. So we continued to be friends, she obviously wasn’t content with that though, always wanted “alone time”, she was catching on to my attempts of keeping everything friendly.

I’m back home for break, chilling with my cousin and he asks me randomly, “Yo, do you know ((Insert name here))?” I was like, “Yeah, I know her, she always in my face, why?” Come to find out, she was going out with my cousin’s best friend…smh…caught up.

This was hilarious to me, but it just validated everything I already felt about Ms. Caughtup (hmm found a name for her lol). So in a weird way, this was actually good news, because now I could curve her without feeling guilty lol. Well eventually she got tired of me “playing hard to get” and she just outright expressed her anguish towards the way things were going. I subliminally let her know I knew about her “boyfriend” back home in N.Y. Check the scoreboard: Me-1 Ms.Caughtup-0

Life as I know it.

I can definitely say that I am in the “caught out there” stage in my life. While in high school and even college I never quite realized the circumstances I was in. Both of those stages in my life served as a protective guard from what some may call the “real world”. That time is my life was about following a somewhat planned route to forming my future career after exiting higher education.

College differed in that I was still young but was allowed an amount of freedom that would groom and prepare me for the life I am living now post graduation. Now that I have completed my four years of college I’ve been introduced to the full dosage of “life” which I can strongly say is a current bittersweet experience. I almost feel stripped and exposed to the world in comparison to being in school protected from the title of technically being on your own. I would compare my reaction to me just putting myself out there in a vulnerable manner in order to take risks and gain all the opportunities life has to offer for me.

The situation comes with its pros and cons like any normal case, but it’s all up to me to decide what actions I will take. Being caught out there to the world to me embodies the meaning of lunging into the impossible and following any dream you’ve had since elementary school. My fear is failing life’s test of achieving whatever it is you have planned. Even in my vulnerability to the world I vow to give all that I can to receive all the greatness I have worked all my life for.

The wrong one.

In my first year of high school I was dating these two guys Ra & JN. Rd was my ex boyfriend and we just recently broke up. I liked him so much that I was thinking about letting him be my first. At that point my feelings were all still there. Ra was the first boy that I actually liked and cared about in my new school. All the others boys I did not really like. Then I met JN who I thought was very cute but he was an asshole.

He was never in class and he always smelled like weed. He was a bad ass, the kind the teachers would always step out the class & talk to privately about his behavior and he'd always showed how much he didn't care. I guess something about that turned me on. We started talking but it was nothing that would be serious or go anywhere because I fell for his type before. Plus Ra and I still did things like we were a couple, kissing in the hallways and meeting at my locker.

Anyway so one day me and JN were walking up the hallway and he decided to walk behind me and hug me from the back. My friend Carla gave me an eye, kind of like a signal but I didn't understand why. JN walked off and I opened my locker. Ra came behind me and said "let me know when you're done with that n****"... my heart dropped. I lost the wrong one!

I just stared into my locker for two minutes getting myself together and then I went to class. I was young and probably would of handled things differently if I were the person I am now. No hard feelings though , we live and we learn. Hi Ra! lol

That's Foul.

Facebook, a social networking site that keeps us connected with those we haven’t seen in years, loved ones and friends. It helps us keep tabs on where they’ve been, what they been up to and possibly where they are going.

I've been on face book for over 5 years now, I have cousins up there I haven’t seen in 15 years, to aunts and friends I see every day. There are teachers and classmates up there from kindergarten. It’s a joy being able to talk to them and reminisce on the pass and see how well they are doing now.

You even get people that you don’t know from a hole in a wall, wanting to be your ‘friend’. This leads me to this story. My dad doesn't lives in New York and I haven’t seen him in years. So, my aunt tells me “oh you know your father is on facebook?” I said, “No, I didn’t know that.”

Cool, I thought, that’s good for him. So time went on, my uncle (his brother) signed up for facebook. He instantly requested me and even sent me a family tree request. My uncle asked me how I was doing, commented under my pictures and even told me he was proud of me.

Still, no request from ‘Dad’.  I get home one day and my cousin asked me if he had sent me request. At this point, it was still no request from him, so I said no and I asked her why she asked. She said because he sent her a friend request the other day, and she thought maybe he finally sent me one.

Oh word, so you gonna send the whole family request on facebook but don’t send you first child one? And you believe I’m gonna send you love, forget the fact that you don’t call,  the one way that we can keep up with each other and you don’t even want to take that step. Foul, but I’ll live.

No Reservations.

Many say “Lying is like wearing makeup, people do it to look good.” – Unknown. Well lying doesn’t make a lot of people look good especially when there’s no good reason for doing it. I have this friend who’s a habitual liar. The funny thing is that I’ve known her for more than four years now. I mean at first it was funny because she would make funny wishful thinking comments that she would laugh along with our closest friends.

For example, she would tell us a story about her hanging with Beyonce & Jay Z; she always creates a story about chilling with them. ( Her stories were so vivid that you would have thought she was living with them, it was a hilarious, simple,  funny joke that was highly unlikely to have happened dealing with this particular friend of mines. The 1^st time she ever said that it was funny until (doom, doom, doom... my dooms day sound effect LOL).

Somehow it became a tradition for her to talk about her “activities” with B&J and artists who were upcoming. Her stories were growing with her nuisance behavior that we actually asked her to be serious. Every time we asked her to be serious about something, it seems as if she never heard of the word serious or honest.  

I would have thought that by now she’d given up her pathetic habit of lying to someone who is supposedly her friend. As well as a friend that knows her well enough for her to be herself. Nonetheless, I was starting to think that she doesn’t even know herself. I started to think that this was the only side of her that I knew and will only know.

For example, last year a few days before her birthday, she wanted to go to this nice moderate Asian restaurant for her birthday. (We were speaking over the phone) she says “Oh, my gosh I know too many people, this is going to be a big dinner” (-_-) I said, “ Did you make reservations” she says “ Yes, I made it for fifteen people, I put a DOWN PAYMENT on the seats and everything” me, “ down payment? Just to eat at their restaurant?”, she said "Yes", (we hung up the phone). She calls me back  saying she sent out a massive text to everyone saying that she wants to go out to eat for her bday, but NO ONE responded back to her. (I mean she has friends, don’t think she doesn’t)

She said she doesn’t know if she’s going to eat at that restaurant again, I said, “Well then get back your money (LOL) she says, “No forget it I’m just going to go to the hotel party with my friends from school” (You see, I’m genuinely a concerned person if any of my friends need help planning something for their birthday. I told her the less people the less confusing the CHECK would be at the end of the dinner) I told her to give me the number of the restaurant, she says, “No just forget it, I know who my real friends are hmm, don’t want to hit me back up for my bday”.

I told her to give me the name of the restaurant she said “I forgot what it started with,” (but she gave me the address, so I said I’ll call you later. I had to go on my CSI type sh*t smh). I typed in the area of the restaurant called and asked the lady if she had reservations for my friend (I won’t disclose her name, but I said her name) she said, “No we don’t take reservations or down payments?

I hung up and called her closest friends asking them why they didn't reply to her message? (I know majority of her friends because we have the same circle). They all said they never received a text message and they asked her what she was doing for her bday days before I called them and she never responded to any of their text messages.  

AS OF TODAY I BARELY SPEAK TO HER AND NEITHER DOES A FEW OF OUR CIRCLE OF FRIENDS WHO WERE CLOSE TO HER. YOU WIN SOME, YOU LOSE SOME.  SHE WON HER CAUGHT OUT THERE MOMENT & SHE LOST MANY FRIENDS (FOR ONE, I WAS OVER THE LIES.

We remain.

Though we are friends
It’s hard for us to be just friends
We laugh together
Play together
And from time to time we lay together
First we start off as friends
And that was all
Then you told me you had fall
Fallen in lust with me
I denied the fact that I felt the same
I tried so hard to keep us as we were
But then I fell
Fell too hard
To the point I thought it will be more than what it was
More than just the casual intercourse
More than just hearts tossed
Back and forth
Real love
Not just friend love
Love. Love
But of course I was wrong
Being friends was all we could be
And up til this day it’s still hard for me
I thought it could be
I fought for we
I tried to change your mind and make you see
But you didn't when I did
And when I didn't you did
Look at us now
We remain just friends.

Mutual Friend.

You know, a mutual friend that began conversing through Sconex?

We would have small talks here and there. You were one of my best friends’ good friends. She would always talk about how you would always hang out, go to parties and throw events. You were funny, always cracking jokes, the cool fly guy.

So when I met you in person you were indeed funny. Our conversations always last hours at a time. On the phone hours and hours through the night talking about everything and anything. You always make me laugh, we would talk about people, school, work, friends, anything that came across our mind.

Our relationship grew so close. Close enough to make your friends wonder if we were an item, and close enough to make my friends wonder what was the deal between us. You even began to express your interest towards me, but I would always brush it off with a laugh.

At this point, we were cooler than the other side of the pillow. I never was this close to a male before, being that I have no brothers so I certainly enjoyed your company. I would look forward to speaking to you, even when we had nothing to speak about. I could go over your house and speak to your fam because they all knew of me, and when they didn’t see me around, they would ask how I was doing.

For five years, through the drama, stress, lost friendships, and fights and times when we didn’t speak for months, you still rode with me until the end. But for some reason I can’t see us being more than just friends.

Girl's Best friend .

I'm elated that you met me all the way and not just half way in understanding that you are not Just a Friend.

In high school we were and still are best friends ride or die. You always made me laugh. That’s what I found in you that allowed me to say he’s a keeper in my  life. A male companion who I can say is my best friend, my brother and not my lover but someone I do love and care for.

I enjoy being able to call someone who can make me laugh and smile when I can’t seem to make myself happy when I’m down. I’m  glad that you confide in me as someone you trust to tell your secrets to, to tell your deepest curiosities and insecurities to when others might question it. I know a few people know what I’m talking about or at least imagine having a friend of the opposite sex non family related that can understand you from a male point of view.

I’m not saying that the same sex can’t hold these standards, but it feels really good having someone of the opposite sex who can hold those standards; someone who can see beyond your looks and a friend to keep for a life time. Being able to still laugh at the silliest things that only each other will understand. Yes, we may hurt each other’s feelings but everyone experience hurt in many different ways, but the best things is that you can grow from hurt with each other and not alone. 

Countless times some of your guy friends find it hard to believe that you’re best friends with a pretty girl and not best f*ck friends with a pretty girl, but they still respect you. You my n*gga tho’, like Jigga said “Just the way I do, and either way you win, I mean the thugs love ya when your girl's best friend.”

“Oh that’s just my friend”.

How many times have we all heard "oh that's just my friend" But is it really? We often justify anything that's not a relationship as a simple friendship but are we just lying to ourselves?If we’re having relations aren't we in a relationship? Well that's just my theory anyway.

I met this guy who I was suddenly attracted to about 3yrs ago. We spoke often and suddenly often turned into to everyday. The more we spoke we learned we were just alike and had many things in common. Soon enough, we admitted that we were attracted to each other. He had mentioned to me in a previous conversation that he was never able to build a strong friendship with a female because their feelings always got in the way.

So automatically, I knew that making a move and having feelings was off limit. As time passed and our friendship became stronger we still couldn't help but flirt.  Flirting is harmless right? ... Our "harmless flirting" turned into sexual curiosity which we ended up acting upon more than once.

The good thing about it is, that we never let it interfered with our friendship. These days were going by the name "BEST FRIENDS".

Don’t know what I would do without her.

She's just my friend...that's how it all started. I always had a little crush on her especially after seeing her for the first time in a very LONG time. I'm talking years! I was involved & so was she. That didn't not stop us from becoming closer & closer and slowly gaining feelings for one another.  

It felt right on both our behalves. Then we realized, we are both in relationships with people other than each other. She took all my attention and I took hers, but soon it came to a complete stop. Over time I offered the option of being friends and we made a parallel agreement.

We spoke for weeks on a friendly level and everything was good until...well until we saw each other again. Right away I fell in love just at the contact of our eyes. I felt warm & whole again. No longer cold & heartless like my heart returned or something. In present terms, we are still friends but we express our feelings a bit more. Who knows what the future may hold all I know is… "Yea I know it’s wrong but I can't get enough of my friend." Don't know what I would do without her...I love my friend ! lol

Friend Zone.

So it is safe to say the friend zone can become complicated if you’re not sure if you were placed in that area. The real question is what actions of a relationship separate a person from being in the friend zone or possibly being more than just that. From past experiences, actually almost all my worthwhile past experiences were all formed out of friendships. I would argue that’s the best route to go when starting off but the division lines are blurry when feelings begin to become involved. I personally no longer knew if I was still considered a friend or maybe something a little more that was too touchy to speak on. The worst thing to do is ruin a great friendship, and that has been my motive for not taking that next step with most guys all the time.

Some could argue that both “friends” and bf/gf relationships involves the same aspects. An extensive amount of one on one time can also be seen as casual dating without the technical title of “dating” being placed. When you find yourself consistently speaking to that person on a regular, and always wondering what they’re up to if you haven’t it is safe to say something more may exist. That is a clear sign of caring significantly more than you possibly would with any of your other friends. It is also possible that your “friend” is just very sociable so what you think may be different treatment really isn’t. Every situation is different but my best advice for you and myself is to go with your gut feeling. I’m usually right when it comes to my instincts, and the hardest part comes next which is figuring out what to once you FINALLY know. 

Over and Over again.

Throughout high school they tell you about it. They tell you that you’re going to have to deal with someday. What they don’t tell you is how difficult it’s going to be to make. The results from it will be great, but the process of creating it is long and aggravating. Sometimes, you have to do the process over and over and over until you get it right. The only thing bout it is, you will never know when it’s right.

This thing, this little piece of paper will determine if you get a job or not. It’s your first impression, it’s your RESUME. This will get you in or keep you out of a company. How can you know who I am from a sheet? How could you really know if I’m good worker if you never seen me or watch me work? I never understood this. But even if I don’t understand it, I face the fact that your resume will make or break you.

The few years of work, various activities, and awards won are reasons that Oprah is where she is, the reason that Actors get jobs, musicians book gigs. Your accomplishments tell employers about you. It says a lot about where you’re at, where you want to be and where you’re going. It’s the path way to your future.

I personally changed my resume 152736746983792582 thousand times and counting. When will it be right? I really don’t know. I guess it’s when I get my dream position, or maybe it will never be right. All I know that we all have to try our best to make our resumes stand out. To make them sparkle out the bunch. I suggest trying different ways to spice it up, see which way works (which resume gets the most call backs). Make sure you re-read your resume over and over again. You don’t want any errors that can really harm you. Ask others for suggestion, it doesn’t hurt.

You can do it, be confident and show it through your resume because that can honestly be your first and last impression.

Dead giveaway.

They say the 1^st impression is a giveaway. Believe it or not it is a give away to me. I mean you don’t want to come off as someone egotistic, inconsiderate, overbearing, and needy or an excessive talker. As well as meeting someone else whose attributes are like those describe in the second sentence or even consisting of more than those described. I want to be around someone who I can be comfortable with; who I can see myself keeping a long friendship with. Sometimes, I meet the coolest guys who I just want to be friends with and nothing more, but sometimes I feel as I can’t because they sometimes come off as being too flirtatious, annoying, needy and hostile.

I like to be able to have a few male friends who don’t just see me as someone that they need to get involved with, but to get to know as a friend and possible create a new friendship. I’m not saying that it doesn’t exist in my life, because I have a lot of male friends who are strictly my friends and nothing more. However, when I meet new ones that I think are humorous and laid back in the beginning, I potentially want to make them a friend.

I am an observant individual and I observe the people who come into my life. I want to know who I can feel comfortable around and who makes me uncomfortable. I met these two guys from school, friend A I had class with, then he introduced me to friend B. Both came off as flirtatious especially Friend B. Friend A, is a funny dude, someone I can introduce to my other friends. Friend B, has known me for only three weeks, and he tells me that I should NOT be wearing mascara, eyeliner, I look better if I don’t wear makeup (I honestly know how I look with or without makeup; I love makeup).

Another day I decided to get my hair done with WEAVE. He says, “Your hair wasn’t like that last Thursday (indeed it wasn’t), I say, “Yes it was I think I know how I did my hair” He says, I doubt it, not when we were riding the train together, your hair looks better before you don’t need weave” I said, “Well it sounds personal (I laugh, he laughs) He says, “Seriously you look better without it.” I value people’s opinion, but when you’re constantly telling me about my appearance, it makes it seems as if I am here to please you when I am not. Especially if it’s about something that doesn’t affect your life, you shouldn’t be so concerned!

On another school day friend B texted me, “Where are you?” I say, “On my way to class”  he writes “hurry up, and get out of class I have a two hour break and I’m bored” I write, “Go to the library, I obviously can’t chill because I have class” he writes, “Just hurry.”(I mean, I like knowing that someone wants my company, but I am not going to be your entertainment just because you’re BORED. It’s like inviting someone to a party that they agree to attend but doesn’t bother to socialize with anyone else but expects you to be by their side the entire night to entertaining them).

Friend B texted me one night (But I was busy typing a paper), Friend A, calls me because he didn’t understand the homework which is the homework that I was doing. (This is not an excuse. I really was typing a paper people lol). The next day all three of us were outside talking. We started talking about strippers (LOL) friend A said, “If they aren’t working it at my party, I’m throwing pennies” Friend B says (with a little cocky attitude) “Yea, Yea, You know you, but I make it rain with twenties” ( I just laughed) Friend A says to me “So are we gonna jones on the phone like yesterday” (I laughed, because we weren’t “jonesing” on the phone lol) I said, “I said we already spoke yesterday” (We both laughed, because he knows & I know that we talked about the homework and that was it.)

After talking I had to leave to go to class. I gave each one a hug friend A’s hug was tight and long (Straight face lol) Friend B, had a nonchalant attitude, the hug was like a half hug (I don’t even know what to call it, LOL) he whispers to me, “Oh, you guys were on the phone, huh?” (He looked at me with the serious face I just left; I was running late for class but I was a little thrown off by that) Should I have told him why I was on the phone? Or even get straight to the point of how uncomfortable his behavior has been making me feel? (Because that attitude should be DENIED, LOL)

Don't be difficult.

The first time I met you, it was almost unreal. It was a feeling that was truly unfamiliar. I started to become in love with the idea of you being in my life. I wanted you around all the time. You gave me a reason to laugh & smile all day long. Then we started to have bad experiences with each other. You started being in and out of my life and I was letting you.


At first, you pulled me in instantly with the greatest feeling ever and how comfortable I became with you surrounding me. Now I'm just afraid of anything you have to offer because truth be told, there's only two ways this could end up. This feeling isn't of constant. It is off and on as hell. I know you’re capable of either making me or breaking me. So (LOVE) the next time I am presented with an opportunity to f*ck with you, I think I'll pass… oh and do me a favor don't be difficult just let me go. Thank you!

NOT QUITE!

• Quiet
• Mean
• Attitude
• Shy
• Bitch
• anti-social
• Mute
• Nerd
• Stylish
• Quiet
• Mean
• Prissy
• Bossy.
• Independent with the demeanor of an R&B singer.

Nine times out of ten, people admit their first impression of me was wrong.

Quiet? Sometimes.

Attitude? Not quite,

Shy? Perhaps.

Bitch? If I want to be.

Prissy? Definitely not.

 …And so forth. I ALWAYS get shy or a bitch because I choose not to speak to people or share anything about myself until I feel comfortable enough to disclose information. I'd rather keep to myself and mind my own business so people assume I'm shy, and since I observe more than speak, I have an attitude. It’s nothing against anyone because I love meeting new people but people always tend to tell me this is the vibe I give off. I often laugh about it because someone’s first impression can ultimately make or break a possible friendship so since I give off funky vibes you'd think I didn't have any friends, wrong. People ultimately realize their first impression of me was off the wall and a book can't always be judged by its cover because nine times out of ten, FIRST impressions are merely wrong. 

When first meeting someone...

Hmm…first impressions; there are so many different things to be said about first impressions.  I’ve had cases where the first impression told me everything I needed to know about a person, and other times where it didn’t even scratch the surface of the person’s character. First impressions MUST be taken into account when meeting someone, a lot of times people like to give others the benefit of the doubt, no, not acceptable.

To the ladies, if you meet a guy in a party and he only asked you for your number after he just grinded on you for the last 4 reggae songs (-_-); you can bet your last dollar that nothing meaningful will come out of that new contact. I would guess that he’s probably interested in something more physical, than emotional, just a guess though.

To the fellas, that girl that just stared you down while she was walking in holding hands with that naïve young man; yeah, don’t waste your time. You were just the “cooler guy” at the moment. Once you get her and she sees that “cooler guy” again, tootles. This may sound harsh but in most cases it’s true.

When first meeting someone, you have to factor in things like where you met this person and on what grounds. This can help you figure out a person’s motives from jump. First impressions are the lasting ones, so if I met you drunk out your mind, I’m going to remember you as an alchy. If I met you and your breath was humming, it’s going to take a whole lot of Orbit to make me forget it. Okay, so I’m being a bit anal, sue me, I’m only being so blunt ‘cause I love you. If the first impression isn’t a good one, it’ll turn into the last memory, so make it a good one.

DISCLAIMER: This is only a small guideline, not a 100% proof way of judging a person, you still must allow the person a chance to reveal him or herself to you.

What you SEE is what you Get.

In the world of fashion first impressions is everything and will make or break how far you make it in the industry. I am a firm believer of inside beauty but I work in an area where image is majorly important.

Sometimes your first impression will be your last so it is crucial to make it the best it can possibly be. I’ve encountered this challenge of making the first time right while interviewing for various internships. You never know what your competition is bringing to the table so I always make sure I bring my “A” game with a “can do” attitude. Besides that my outer appearance plays a huge part on the impact I will make on my potential employers. In my case presenting myself as fashion forward is expected, but for those who may not be just simply appearing neat and sleek always seals the deal as well.

Some would probably object that appearance matters, but we must recognize that our firsts thoughts of others develop when we lay our eyes upon them before any words are exchanged. It isn’t right to judge prematurely but I do feel we naturally do so at times.

Opinions are then formed and sometimes can be hard to change even with a shining personality. So when I had the opportunity to interview for my dream position I made sure that I not only knew my resume inside and out, but I also looked like I OWNED the position already. If you look it, talk it, and breathe it you’ll BE it in no time! 

Things aren't always what they seem.

Are first impressions always lasting impressions? I must say I've met a couple of people who completely turned me off by our first encounter. After awhile, I begin to actually warm up to them and realize that I had the wrong impression.

I had to figure this out after they way I judged my very best friend. This person has been my best friend for a long time but, the first time we met I did not take to her. I now understand the reasons why I really disliked her. It was because I didn't understand her and I've grown to appreciate her personality.

When meeting someone for the first time being rude is not an option, also name calling and joking because it shows a sense of being comfortable and that's not always a good thing. I even get called rude. Nine times out of ten, people get the wrong idea about me.  When we first meet, they tend to feel like I'm snobby and stuck up. But that’s never the case; I just try not to seem too comfortable. Plus, it part of my persona.

I've decided that I wouldn't use someone's first impression to judge their character because things aren't always what they seem.

Ms. New Attitude.

Dear Mr. Experience,

Being with you was a journey that I wasn't quite prepared for but overall it was a learning experience and for that I thank you. I loved you and gave you my all, I let you into my life with open arms, my love had no limit when it came to you, and yet that still was not enough. I even tried to change myself and sacrifice my happiness just to please you!

Because of you I have a new attitude where I try my best to avoid any situations that will allow me to break. I've learned to accept heartbreak with a positive light, which is to live with no regrets just love. When you thought you broke me you only made me stronger.

Yours truly

xoxo

Ps: you should see me know...

No One.

 Dear Them,

All my life

I felt like I was different

Like no one was like me

I played different

Smiled different

Even learn different history

I thought no one could stop my shine

The brightest star in the sky couldn't compare

Then, I grew up

It was then when I realized that

No one could make me happy

That no one could really love me

That no one cared for me

...As much as I did

I realized that

Not even my mother nor father

Had the strength and love in their hearts to see me grow

The power, the mind to let me know..

How special I was, so then I stopped believing

At that moment in time I felt that

No one was there for me

More than I was there for myself that as hard as I worked,

It only seem to make a difference to me

That no one could see

How special I was to me

To the world

To life

To you

I guess I'm not that different huh

Not as special as I thought..

What a way to realized that

With the support from no one...

Best,
Your Daughter

Your Backbone.

Dear Broken Lover,

In the beginning I made a bunch of promises to you. I told you I would help heal your broken heart. As fragile as it still was at the time you still put it in my naked hands. Your suffering was not severe because you had someone to lean back on, someone more than a rebound, someone who was willing to take on a complicated job of being a surgeon; fixing what is broken even though she still had her own heart to repair.

That person was me. Not knowing how heavy the weight would come. The weight of our insecurities, our past experiences that we both currently held on to,  and the weight of two broken hearts. It all became so overwhelming. I began to question "How can your heart heal so quickly?" I realized I was a distraction.

You did not have to pay attention to the damage because I was there for you. But you were not over it yet, you pretended.  I knew because you constantly talked about it over and over until I got sick of hearing it. Then after you tried to fix everything I still got to a point where I knew this would never work. Once I comfortable I would push you around and you would let me. You have learned a lot and I did also. I have learned that I cannot keep all promises, I cannot make everyone happy. With that said, I do not mean to reopen the stitches sewn into your heart, but I have to get mine in tact first before I can help you. Then I can be ready for my next lover . . . sorry.                     

                                                                                 

Love,

Your Backbone

Undisclose desire.

Dear Mr. Unknown,

Though I try to find something or someone to pacify me,

I miss out on what's around me, who is to Love me I prey

On my undisclosed desire for a better life than the one I had with you

I need closure, but how? By doing what? finding a distraction within someone else

Tuh, that’s my heart saying  “Hi, I’m temporarily unavailable

Go fuck with someone else”

It was vacant once but now I’ve been force to take use of it somewhere else

But WHY???? I’m too lazy

Why do I sit around awaiting a day’s answer?

As if I await daylight savings

I mourn for answers in the Morning,

Mid-day and at Night

Who is this unknown face around me?

Another day goes by I pray for stability and confidence.

But am I asking or telling myself what I should do.

I feel so miserable now

How the fuck, did I fall so HARD?

I don't want to come off impatient

But how do I know if my prayers have been answered.

I dream. I live. I wake up one morning to figure out that time spent wishing and hoping

Was time spent wasting, where do I go, what do I wait for, as time progress

My patience spirals in my head

Anxiously delaying my sleep

Until one night I felt as if I’ve been making myself miserable

By not saying anything sooner,

I’ve been asking the man above for so many questions

Did I forget that I have a mouth!

That I wasn't moving, for having a voice I wasn't projecting,

For having a brain that I wasn't using and eyes that you have opened.

At night I see this unknown face. Yours,

How could I have been so deep in love, and not recognize this person that I was in love with the entire time  

All I can do is laugh this is the unknown face of someone I say I love you to

It’s what they want to hear and what I feel

You get the treatment of someone to adore and I get the treatment of someone you ignore

A Face that I've been neglecting to pay attention to

Have I been so focused on the main things that kept me here

The rough sex, the pleasure of bringing me to your home

Being able to sleep in you tee with no panties on

Yeah, you loved that, but I've mistaken it for the whole LOVE me package

I've been so hung up on the least of my problems

When the most of my problems are here,

Have my answers been here all along

My daily prayers have been ongoing, have I not realized

That I've been praying for something that doesn’t come around often for others

Ugh, how did I become a victim of wanting this

L.O.V.E the things that people sing about,

It’s hard to ignore that friendly four letter word,

How can something as simple as that come into someone’s life as something inviting and friendly and leave you torn, scared and lonely.

Don’t ever come back at least until I’m ready to be strong and face you, LOVE

again.

Love,

Unavailable 

You live & You learn.

Dear Mr. Different Page,

It’s funny how the person you want to pursue is never interested in you, but the person who gives you their full attention is always dismissed by you. I seem to have found myself in this situation with you, and I sometimes question if in fact I’m the broken lover. I will say that I can respect that you were somewhat honest about what you wanted out of a relationship from the start.

At the same time you were never really 100% clear which led to some confusion on where we stood. Broken relationships can result from two people wanting the opposite things therefore preventing for expectations to be met. After all relationships are built on the grounds of expectations that we hope to meet for our significant others. I would say that our situation was a little different because we never discussed what either of us wanted bluntly.

My reasoning was to not bring pressure into the situation not knowing that sometimes finding out answers prevents misunderstandings for the future. My way of dealing with our miscommunication caused there to be a standstill relationship between us, which would eventually fade into us just being friends. That was real upsetting I must admit because I really liked you, and was actually excited to be in your presence.

Everything happens for a reason I suppose, but I’m not going to lie the s%$# sucks. Sometimes it’s just best to suck up your pride and nervousness for the sake of making a relationship work out. You live and you learn.

Signed,
Confused

Are you still in love with me?

Why can't I get the benefit of the doubt to believe that maybe I'm over reacting . I feel as if I have to pave a way from your mind to your heart for your acknowledgment of my love. It’s slowing moving its way down, but there’s a road block.

Why can't you talk to me about the things you say I just can't understand? How can I understand when you NEVER open up to me anymore? You say you trust me well utilize the trust and utilize our relationship so it can grow. I want to be with you more than all the other guys I can possibly imagine myself with. Which, I won't because I ONLY imagine myself with you.
 

It's so HARD for me to not imagine the way things shouldn't be, but given by the way I’ve been feeling I do. Why I say that? Because I shouldn't be imagining or feeling that. I shouldn't be thinking about what's wrong with us. I want to think about what's good for us, help me, help us.

I've been your friend before we started dating and I'm still your friend now. Can you imagine going back to being just friends with me. It's oblivious to my sight, how I strain myself to put a little love into our relationship. I don't want to make things difficult. I just don't want you to think that things have changed because we still have that friendship, but a little bit more.
 

I know deep down you love me, but I want to know if you still are in love with me. I question myself, am I doing something wrong am I straying in the wrong direction. I've bombarded myself with these same questions. God, please help me, I beg you to guide me. Please tell me that I am here to fight, to fight for what I love to be a part of. I scare myself with possible resolutions, the maybe he doesn't want me anymore thought, the maybe he found someone else thought, the maybe he never even loved me thought. I just wish this sh*t would get the f*ck out of my head.

How can someone deal with a plethora of thoughts that they try to answer themselves? But how can you try and answer all when there should be one f*cking answer. Just one, one f*cking answer that I wish he could answer. I feel sick, I feel like I'm going insane without actually going insane, but it feels as if I'm going to get there.

“Damn, girl it's not even that serious,” there goes another thought. Really, it isn't that serious? Because from what I’ve noticed if this wasn’t bothering me daily then it wouldn’t be serious. I just care so much for someone that I can't let go. I know he doesn’t want to let me go, but I need this heavy weight of thoughts off my damn shoulder.

So what do I do, push? Maybe I should push for something even if it's just a little it's a start. There's the difference that I do acknowledge and that's to not push for something that isn't worth pushing. This one that I have is all worth it and I'm going to make something work. I have to realize that things don't always run according to my needs and my want. Surely enough I'd be damned if I realize that what I give is given to someone else who doesn't and will never appreciate what you give to them. 

So I see this as a challenge, if I make it through, it was worth the fight, and the strong feeling that I have, I hope I’m right. What would you do if deep down you felt a strong challenge, would you go for it or dismiss it? *Heart vs. Mind