Things aren't always what they seem.

Are first impressions always lasting impressions? I must say I've met a couple of people who completely turned me off by our first encounter. After awhile, I begin to actually warm up to them and realize that I had the wrong impression.

I had to figure this out after they way I judged my very best friend. This person has been my best friend for a long time but, the first time we met I did not take to her. I now understand the reasons why I really disliked her. It was because I didn't understand her and I've grown to appreciate her personality.

When meeting someone for the first time being rude is not an option, also name calling and joking because it shows a sense of being comfortable and that's not always a good thing. I even get called rude. Nine times out of ten, people get the wrong idea about me.  When we first meet, they tend to feel like I'm snobby and stuck up. But that’s never the case; I just try not to seem too comfortable. Plus, it part of my persona.

I've decided that I wouldn't use someone's first impression to judge their character because things aren't always what they seem.

Ms. New Attitude.

Dear Mr. Experience,

Being with you was a journey that I wasn't quite prepared for but overall it was a learning experience and for that I thank you. I loved you and gave you my all, I let you into my life with open arms, my love had no limit when it came to you, and yet that still was not enough. I even tried to change myself and sacrifice my happiness just to please you!

Because of you I have a new attitude where I try my best to avoid any situations that will allow me to break. I've learned to accept heartbreak with a positive light, which is to live with no regrets just love. When you thought you broke me you only made me stronger.

Yours truly

xoxo

Ps: you should see me know...

No One.

 Dear Them,

All my life

I felt like I was different

Like no one was like me

I played different

Smiled different

Even learn different history

I thought no one could stop my shine

The brightest star in the sky couldn't compare

Then, I grew up

It was then when I realized that

No one could make me happy

That no one could really love me

That no one cared for me

...As much as I did

I realized that

Not even my mother nor father

Had the strength and love in their hearts to see me grow

The power, the mind to let me know..

How special I was, so then I stopped believing

At that moment in time I felt that

No one was there for me

More than I was there for myself that as hard as I worked,

It only seem to make a difference to me

That no one could see

How special I was to me

To the world

To life

To you

I guess I'm not that different huh

Not as special as I thought..

What a way to realized that

With the support from no one...

Best,
Your Daughter

Your Backbone.

Dear Broken Lover,

In the beginning I made a bunch of promises to you. I told you I would help heal your broken heart. As fragile as it still was at the time you still put it in my naked hands. Your suffering was not severe because you had someone to lean back on, someone more than a rebound, someone who was willing to take on a complicated job of being a surgeon; fixing what is broken even though she still had her own heart to repair.

That person was me. Not knowing how heavy the weight would come. The weight of our insecurities, our past experiences that we both currently held on to,  and the weight of two broken hearts. It all became so overwhelming. I began to question "How can your heart heal so quickly?" I realized I was a distraction.

You did not have to pay attention to the damage because I was there for you. But you were not over it yet, you pretended.  I knew because you constantly talked about it over and over until I got sick of hearing it. Then after you tried to fix everything I still got to a point where I knew this would never work. Once I comfortable I would push you around and you would let me. You have learned a lot and I did also. I have learned that I cannot keep all promises, I cannot make everyone happy. With that said, I do not mean to reopen the stitches sewn into your heart, but I have to get mine in tact first before I can help you. Then I can be ready for my next lover . . . sorry.                     

                                                                                 

Love,

Your Backbone

Undisclose desire.

Dear Mr. Unknown,

Though I try to find something or someone to pacify me,

I miss out on what's around me, who is to Love me I prey

On my undisclosed desire for a better life than the one I had with you

I need closure, but how? By doing what? finding a distraction within someone else

Tuh, that’s my heart saying  “Hi, I’m temporarily unavailable

Go fuck with someone else”

It was vacant once but now I’ve been force to take use of it somewhere else

But WHY???? I’m too lazy

Why do I sit around awaiting a day’s answer?

As if I await daylight savings

I mourn for answers in the Morning,

Mid-day and at Night

Who is this unknown face around me?

Another day goes by I pray for stability and confidence.

But am I asking or telling myself what I should do.

I feel so miserable now

How the fuck, did I fall so HARD?

I don't want to come off impatient

But how do I know if my prayers have been answered.

I dream. I live. I wake up one morning to figure out that time spent wishing and hoping

Was time spent wasting, where do I go, what do I wait for, as time progress

My patience spirals in my head

Anxiously delaying my sleep

Until one night I felt as if I’ve been making myself miserable

By not saying anything sooner,

I’ve been asking the man above for so many questions

Did I forget that I have a mouth!

That I wasn't moving, for having a voice I wasn't projecting,

For having a brain that I wasn't using and eyes that you have opened.

At night I see this unknown face. Yours,

How could I have been so deep in love, and not recognize this person that I was in love with the entire time  

All I can do is laugh this is the unknown face of someone I say I love you to

It’s what they want to hear and what I feel

You get the treatment of someone to adore and I get the treatment of someone you ignore

A Face that I've been neglecting to pay attention to

Have I been so focused on the main things that kept me here

The rough sex, the pleasure of bringing me to your home

Being able to sleep in you tee with no panties on

Yeah, you loved that, but I've mistaken it for the whole LOVE me package

I've been so hung up on the least of my problems

When the most of my problems are here,

Have my answers been here all along

My daily prayers have been ongoing, have I not realized

That I've been praying for something that doesn’t come around often for others

Ugh, how did I become a victim of wanting this

L.O.V.E the things that people sing about,

It’s hard to ignore that friendly four letter word,

How can something as simple as that come into someone’s life as something inviting and friendly and leave you torn, scared and lonely.

Don’t ever come back at least until I’m ready to be strong and face you, LOVE

again.

Love,

Unavailable 

You live & You learn.

Dear Mr. Different Page,

It’s funny how the person you want to pursue is never interested in you, but the person who gives you their full attention is always dismissed by you. I seem to have found myself in this situation with you, and I sometimes question if in fact I’m the broken lover. I will say that I can respect that you were somewhat honest about what you wanted out of a relationship from the start.

At the same time you were never really 100% clear which led to some confusion on where we stood. Broken relationships can result from two people wanting the opposite things therefore preventing for expectations to be met. After all relationships are built on the grounds of expectations that we hope to meet for our significant others. I would say that our situation was a little different because we never discussed what either of us wanted bluntly.

My reasoning was to not bring pressure into the situation not knowing that sometimes finding out answers prevents misunderstandings for the future. My way of dealing with our miscommunication caused there to be a standstill relationship between us, which would eventually fade into us just being friends. That was real upsetting I must admit because I really liked you, and was actually excited to be in your presence.

Everything happens for a reason I suppose, but I’m not going to lie the s%$# sucks. Sometimes it’s just best to suck up your pride and nervousness for the sake of making a relationship work out. You live and you learn.

Signed,
Confused

Are you still in love with me?

Why can't I get the benefit of the doubt to believe that maybe I'm over reacting . I feel as if I have to pave a way from your mind to your heart for your acknowledgment of my love. It’s slowing moving its way down, but there’s a road block.

Why can't you talk to me about the things you say I just can't understand? How can I understand when you NEVER open up to me anymore? You say you trust me well utilize the trust and utilize our relationship so it can grow. I want to be with you more than all the other guys I can possibly imagine myself with. Which, I won't because I ONLY imagine myself with you.
 

It's so HARD for me to not imagine the way things shouldn't be, but given by the way I’ve been feeling I do. Why I say that? Because I shouldn't be imagining or feeling that. I shouldn't be thinking about what's wrong with us. I want to think about what's good for us, help me, help us.

I've been your friend before we started dating and I'm still your friend now. Can you imagine going back to being just friends with me. It's oblivious to my sight, how I strain myself to put a little love into our relationship. I don't want to make things difficult. I just don't want you to think that things have changed because we still have that friendship, but a little bit more.
 

I know deep down you love me, but I want to know if you still are in love with me. I question myself, am I doing something wrong am I straying in the wrong direction. I've bombarded myself with these same questions. God, please help me, I beg you to guide me. Please tell me that I am here to fight, to fight for what I love to be a part of. I scare myself with possible resolutions, the maybe he doesn't want me anymore thought, the maybe he found someone else thought, the maybe he never even loved me thought. I just wish this sh*t would get the f*ck out of my head.

How can someone deal with a plethora of thoughts that they try to answer themselves? But how can you try and answer all when there should be one f*cking answer. Just one, one f*cking answer that I wish he could answer. I feel sick, I feel like I'm going insane without actually going insane, but it feels as if I'm going to get there.

“Damn, girl it's not even that serious,” there goes another thought. Really, it isn't that serious? Because from what I’ve noticed if this wasn’t bothering me daily then it wouldn’t be serious. I just care so much for someone that I can't let go. I know he doesn’t want to let me go, but I need this heavy weight of thoughts off my damn shoulder.

So what do I do, push? Maybe I should push for something even if it's just a little it's a start. There's the difference that I do acknowledge and that's to not push for something that isn't worth pushing. This one that I have is all worth it and I'm going to make something work. I have to realize that things don't always run according to my needs and my want. Surely enough I'd be damned if I realize that what I give is given to someone else who doesn't and will never appreciate what you give to them. 

So I see this as a challenge, if I make it through, it was worth the fight, and the strong feeling that I have, I hope I’m right. What would you do if deep down you felt a strong challenge, would you go for it or dismiss it? *Heart vs. Mind

Tug of War.

I've been interning with this company for a very long time now. I've built a solid relationship my supervisor and everyone in the office. I go above and beyond my expectations as an intern. Of course there are more than one intern. We all are extremely close and work almost like a machine together.

Things sound great huh? but when I went to find out the next step I should take from here, as far as staying here full time, no one had an answer for me. Now you would think after all the great feed back that I was getting I would be set. Wrong!

At this point, I'm feeling as though I'm wasting my time. The only thing is that I don't know if it's my heart or my mind making me feel this way. One day I come in and I want to stay. The next day, I'm just completely over the situation and just want something better for myself.

Many people tell me  not to leave, just stay, that there might be an opportunity, in disguise, that may be coming my way. I find it hard sometimes to believe that if I stay, I will be rewarded for my outstanding workmanship as an intern. But I do believe that maybe when I go that I may miss out of something.

As I struggle with this situation, my heart and mind is going through a crazy battle of tug of war. I don't know who's winning, but I sure hope they make a decision soon cause for right now I will remain the, forever intern.