A date with Pride.

When you’re little, you watch fairytale movies and obsess over  happy endings. You can’t wait until it’s your turn. You grow up and suddenly reality hits and you realize that finding your happy ending isn’t as simple as you once thought.

I’ve tried being open to love and it failed a couple of times which led to find this comfortable state of being alone and liking someone halfway to avoid getting hurt. I never realized the effect it had on me until I met him. Suddenly my heart was beginning to open and my outlook on love was changing but something was still holding me back. I wasn’t aware of what it was, so I continued to brush things off thinking it wasn’t a big deal because "he’s still around".

I was distracted by all of the good times not quite focused on the fact that we weren’t progressing. I was blinded and I didn’t even know it until I wanted this guy in a way that I never wanted anyone else. By that time, he had already found someone else to want him back the way that I wanted him. At that point my first reaction was "am I not good enough?  What’s wrong with me?"

                                                                                                                     

Then it hit me, I never actually gave myself to him emotionally because of my pride. I didn’t want to be a sucker. I thought by going into this situation with a nonchalant attitude that I was protecting myself. If I only knew that I was setting myself up to be hurt, I would have gone in with a different approach. Because of him I learned to love. Like they say "a closed mouth don’t get fed" and they weren’t lying because when love was knocking on my door I was on a date with pride.

Water, FIGHT!

It was the hottest summer day known to any kid on the block. My two friends and I decided to go buy some bootleg water guns from the corner store because I was the only one that had an actual super soaker.

We decided to meet up with another friend we went to school with who also lived in the neighborhood. I guess she would be considered a "bad" Spanish girl because all the boys in our grade liked her. Tuh! Anyway… we were all having a water fight amongst each other until things took a turn for the worst.

Before the water fight, we all said that we didn't want to wet our hair so we didn't get our asses kicked when we got back home. I remember having a fresh perm too! Soon laughs turned into yelling because my friend, the only Spanish girl in the bunch started yelling at me saying that I wet her hair knowing I didn't.

No one yells at me. NO ONE! So to make my point, I decided to WET her hair and explain to her that’s what wet hair feels like!! And here I was, having my first fight! She snatched my water gun, I knocked hers out her hand and things got blurry...

After all was said and done, I thought about it, I was having a fight over a water-gun and wet hair? Yes indeed. She broke my water-gun couldn't be serious all I could do was laugh. I thought Spanish b*tches could get their hair wet though?

N.Y.P.D Blues.

So, I’m sure everyone is well aware of the epic, yet undisclosed battle between the Black male and the N.Y.P.D (or any police department for that matter).  Due to the powers of hip-hop, movies, and other propaganda, it seems that Black males have an innate disgust for the N.Y.P.D (don’t quote me on that, the FEDs follow NoLabels too).  Surprisingly, this wasn’t the case for me; I had nothing against police, until it happened. ‘It’ being the first instance that the relationship between the N.Y.P.D and I blossomed (for lack of a better term).

I was pretty young, about 15/16 years old; summertime and we were headed to a par-tay! Being young and naïve I didn’t see anything wrong with mobbing with about 12 other dudes, all dressed in over sized jeans, durags (some 2-tone to match their outfits lol), big fitted caps and jerseys. Oh yeah, did I mention we were in the suburbs of Staten Island? (I already said I was naïve so don’t shake your head at me) I guess after that tidbit of information, you could probably finish the story off yourself, but don’t, let me. So we all head to the party, party hard, now we’re heading home.

We’re walking home, bragging/lying about the numbers we got and whatnot. Then it happened: BWOOP BWOOP! The red and blue lights go off and block us off in the middle of the street. A few scatter, I was one of the 3 that didn’t get away. Cops ask for I.D. and claim that they received some complaints about us making noise or whatever. Next thing I know, I’m in cuffs for “Blocking Vehicular Traffic” a.k.a “Walking in the street”. That fast I went from smiling and laughing with friends to handcuffed and sitting in the precinct.

After my parents came and picked me up, I couldn’t understand why my mother and sisters were crying so much. I just kept thinking, at least I didn’t go to jail. It didn’t hit me until after everything happened, just how scary a situation like that is, to be at the mercy of the justice system, where anything can happen. This situation taught me a few things:

1.       Rollin’ deep is a no-no

2.       Run as soon as you hear that sound

3.       Most important, take that friggin’ two tone durag off!

First Everything.

I was 16. He was there. He had this aura that I never felt before. He was all that I could think of. At that time I was single. Me and boys, ha… I mean I had crushes but nothing like this. He was different. He actually liked me back. I know it’s hard to believe but he liked me back. I was even shocked.

Me have a boyfriend? At that time, I wasn't pressed like most girls. I focused on having fun and that didn't involve dating. I like the idea of it but didn't press the situation. He and I became we and I loved it.
1st date. 1st love...1st kiss.

My first kiss by my first boyfriend who unfortunately wasn't my first. Ha. He gave me butterflies, he made me laugh, he made me feel special and most importantly, he broke my heart. He made me feel like I wasn't worth him like we didn't match. But in everyone's eyes we were perfect. We worked.

Obviously I was oblivious to a quick destruction. I learned that day that I could hurt. I could break down. I couldn't have a happy ending, at that time. It honestly scarred me, sad to say. I never fell that hard, never wanted to.

I realize today that you have to face these trials in order to get to your happy ending. You are entitled to choose what works for you. Your 1st doesn't have to be your last and for that I thank him.

My First Videos.

My First Love



My First Time

Just Friends.

Life is truly interesting and, you are never fully prepared for what things may come your way. Through this “wild card” life I’ve encountered my first experience of accepting reality over what I want. Sometimes it is just best to remain friends with a person rather than aim to make that relationship intimate. It is definitely easier said than done, but if you value a friendship with that person it is always the best decision if having “more” isn’t meant to be.

I have been a friend with a special person for a while, and most people would agree that nothing is better than a boyfriend who is your friend first. That is exactly what I wanted, but realistically what you want isn’t exactly what will work out. All relationships are messy, and things can end on horrible terms. In the spring of 2010 I faced a rude awakening that things would never be more than a friendship with this dude, but accepting that notion is very satisfying.

The acceptance process wasn’t an overnight thing, and it did involve a heated conversation that included nothing but the truth. I’ve learned through this situation that if that person is worth keeping a friend that conversation is necessary to have. In the end you both will win!

My Worth.

My first, Was my WORST,

But he showed me my worth.

Hurt me, then tried to return into my life; so I hit him where it hurts! 

Not knowing he'd grow feelings for me; His heartless games was rehearsed. 

I viewed it as THIRST!

Its "you never miss the water till the well runs dry" NOT when your submersed!

On me, his "asshole" tendencies were dispersed. 

And it backfired; reversed.

His balls got shut down. 

Cause when I needed him he was never around. 

And now he wants to make an effort?

It’s too late. 

I’m worth way more than anything that will ever have to make me wait.

No arguments no debates. 

He was the first so I opened the gate. 

His sex was painful but the love was great. 

Not enough to make me say, everything he was doing was okay. 

And it damn sure wasn’t enough to make me stay. 

Especially since NO ONE has ever disrespected me that way.

He did it silently. 

His mouth stayed still but his eyes would speak. 

Walk so smooth wouldn’t make a squeak. 

The way he said "I love you" always made me weak. 

And in the late of night he was a super freak. 

But its game I peeped.

I became too experienced for his renditions.

And I tried to forgive him,

But I became too full of resentment. 

I found my heart in someone else’s contentment. 

Then he became upset when I left him...

Some nerve!

Suddenly what came over me was this epiphany of happiness like a rebirth.

My First Was My Worst, 

But He Showed Me My Worth.

Fresh meat.

Entering as a freshman, students refer to as fresh meat. Eyeballed by the upper class-men as you walk by on campus looking for the building where your class is. Of course, I wasn't asking a student where a particular building was, so they can realize that I'm a new student. Nope, not me, but I did consult the custodians. Yeah, I said it the custodians, there's one in every building, on every floor, in every bathroom.

The start of the college life didn't faze me. I didn't understand why my friends were so overwhelmed with "getting away" with an agenda to be wild. I mean, I was already independent with freedom. To me it was nothing more than new faces, new experiences and nothing but opportunity. However, I did feel the weight of responsibilities.

My first sight of the expensive textbooks, the overbearing duties on the syllabus, running back and forth to the financial aid office for F*cked up transactions, and dealing with the attitudes of the staffs at the registrar's office. I don't get it, why have an attitude if someone wants help? I'm pretty sure it was included in the job description, isn't it?

So duty calls, but on the bright side my freshman year went by smooth. There are always the ups and downs in doing something new.