Exploiting my insecurities.

During my moments of contemplating

I wonder why I still cannot find much comfort that underlies my true insecurities.

I am human too and everyone has their insecurities, right?

I want to be wanted but I cannot make it be known, but it is only known to me.

It is visible to me but I push it away, because frankly I can careless

Or maybe that's an audacious belief that I have embedded in my mind.

Sometimes I brush off the people in my life so I will not impose in anyone’s life if I feel I am.

How would I know that if no one ever says it?

But I know because I confirmed it.

I give out compliments to others if I feel like it,

But most of the time I am actually the one waiting for it.

Deep down I feel superior when I someone makes me feel good;

I know I am not the only one that enjoys compliments.

However, not everyone deserves compliments, maybe not even I.

Yeah, I have a lot of friends, I am smart, I am attractive, pretty likable,

I am extremely outgoing but yet why do I feel lonely?

I have gotten so use to pushing away that I do not know how to come back.

I have built up a pretty strong wall that I myself cannot seem to get over.

I hold myself back from love and happiness, but do not get me wrong

There are times when I'm happy sober or not.

I just wish it was majority of the time.

How did I allow my insecurities to get so deep?

But I know that as I grow some things may or may not change.

As of now I see that my progress is a slow process.

“The short chubby kid, kind of dark skinned…always smiling for no reason. You know who I’m talking about!”

Have you ever wondered how people would describe you? Like what are your most acclaimed attributes? I always thought people described me as just that, “the short chubby kid…” Growing up, I was always a little chubby (pleasantly plump lol), so I was insecure about my weight. Up until about sophomore year in high school I was a 5’4, husky, yet fresh, little guy. This insecurity definitely impacted my sociability. I was shy beyond belief, I would start blushing if a girl said as much as “God bless you” to me after a sneeze; I was pitiful.

Insecurities can really handicap a person, it refrain’s you from being yourself, constantly trying to cover up and hide the emphasized fallacies. I feel like I missed out on a lot being so shy; old crushes that I couldn’t approach, who knows what could’ve happened?! I could’ve missed out on my wife for Pete’s sake!! (That’s a big reach but bear with me, trying to make this entertaining) Since then, I’ve reconnected with old classmates and to my surprise; they would confess their old feelings for me. That shows me that my insecurity was in my head. Seriously though, I look at old pictures of myself and I looked nothing like how I perceived back then.

Bottom line, insecurities are nothing but self-inflicted boundaries that limit us from living our lives to the fullest. Insecurities occur when you let your perception skew what’s really looking back at you in the mirror. I am my hardest critic, and you’re your hardest critic, so cut yourself some slack.

In regards to your insecurities, a wise man once said (Jay-Z): “Cry me a river, build a bridge and GET OVER IT!”…I did…

To whom this may concern.

To whom this may concern,

For me it wasn't about feeling "un-pretty" or being unaware about how beautiful I truly am (inside and out). It was just about being ENOUGH. You weren't the first and that's when this became my problem. I am a very understanding person who respects honesty but in the end that gets me pretty much nowhere in terms of what I am deserving of because people feel like they can do whatever they want as long as their being honest with me, & of course over all this time I learned my worth and what to stand for and what not to stand for but this time my feelings got in the way.

I am set on a higher level of maturity every time I experience another period of feeling like I am not enough. It’s actually very tough to deal with & I became so hard on myself to make sure everything is always looking good. But then I realize that's just the kind of person I am, I put others feelings first vs. putting myself first. I knew it was time to start thinking differently because seriously, come on, everyone else does it so why don't I, right?

Not to sound cocky but a lot of people need me. After you made me feel like I wasn't enough and I realized that I am way more than enough and deserved better, you found out that you needed me too. I'll always be here but on a different level. Because of my insecurities I can emotionally disconnect myself from anyone and still call them friend. So yes, I know I'm beautiful, I hear it every day, but now I know that I am more than enough and that anybody is lucky to have someone like me in their life. If they decided to take it for granted, their choice; their lost. I'm worth it, so go all the way or stand still.
                        

 Yours Truly,

         Mrs. I Know Better .

Mommy and Facebook.

When my mom tried to setup her Facebook account she thought she was setting up a checking account. Asking me where must she go to pay for the monthly service. Of course, she would think nothing is FREE online. The only thing she was accustomed to using was AOL back in ancient history when everyone had AOL.

Well, moving on I created an account for her, which I invested all my hard work and effort into preparing for her. I took pictures of her; it was like a photo shoot. In her case she had to have a YOUNG SOPHISTICATED default. Ok, do your ‘thang’ ma.

After that was taken care of, we found two decent pictures for her TASTE, out of TWENTY. Once it was finished, she was excited and ready to go. She added all her siblings, her nieces & nephews along with friends she haven't seen since she was an adolescent. Of, course my work was NOT DONE, I needed some type of reward. I wanted a picture in her FIRST album along with my siblings. So I said, “Mom are you going to add me as a friend and do you want me to add a COUPLE of pictures of your kids in your FIRST ALBUM?”

First thing she says is, "Why do you want to be my friend? Why should I put up pictures so fast? Why am I ASKING FOR SO MUCH?” (Let’s go back to the beginning when I said I created her account). Anyways, she sucked her teeth and as she got off the chair, she looks at me and says “well maybe when I get better pictures, I don't want to bombard my facebook with EXTRA, STUFF”. OH, NO MY MOTHER DIDN'T!

Hide and seek.

I was dating this guy for a little over 2 months and we did everything together, I mean everything but tell each other the truth. One day I came across his Facebook page, the one he claimed he deleted.

According to his status, he was dating Melissa. Like, who the hell is Melissa? Well, later on that night, I found out  who Melissa was because she called my phone.

Turns out she’s the girl he’s been dating for a year. She’s also the girl that he was just about to move in with. That’s not even the worst part. When I confronted him, he said “You weren’t supposed to find out. It’s your fault for snooping” ....OH NO HE DIDN'T!!!!

Brand new.

When you’re in high school you meet a lot of people you call your “friends”. These are the people you THINK you’re going to chill and hang out with forever. And majority of the time, you’re wrong. Out of that group, you may only associate yourself with one person in the future.

It was senior year; we all had the same science class. You couldn’t tear us apart. It was like the real life “Friends”. We all went to senior trip together and shared a limo during prom. Can you say best friends forever? This one girl I was “friends “with, use to talk mad trash about my “brother’s” girlfriend.

Now mind you, I never had a problem with his girlfriend, but according to this “friend” of mine, the girl didn’t like me because her boyfriend and I went to prom together, but as friends, nothing more. We shared the limo so why not go together? That’s how I thought about it.

Ok back to this “friend”. She use to say the girl was crazy, that she didn’t know why my brother was with her, all types of crazy sh*t. I was just curious as to why the girl never approached me if she felt some time of way. I definitely asked her if she had an issue, she said no. She did have an issue with of my friends though. Her man liked my home girl, but that’s a different story. HAHAHa!

So the year went by and we all still hung out, parties, BBQ’s, or just chilling. Then it was my brother’s birthday. His girl invited me to the get together. No when we go out we all go together, she knows that. But when she picked us up from the train station, she saw me and all my friends waiting there.  Before she could get to us, she and my “friend” walked away. FAKE!

Apparently they became best friends over the year, Tuh. Like the nice person that I am, I said hey guys and got no response. Oh no that B*th didn’t try to play me!!! I brushed it off, went up to the apartment and my “Brother” had the nerve to say we could come into HIS AUNT’s house because his girlfriend didn’t want my home girl there. Oh No They Didn’t!!!

So, he dead*ss going to leave us in the hallway? Oh hell no! I started breaking! Like you know how I role, don’t act brand new! We ended up getting into the party any way and I ended up not being her “friend” anymore. He was still my bro though because he was p*ssy whipped. So I couldn’t blame him.

NOT the only girl in the world.

When I was sixteen I dated a dude for eight months. He made me feel so special. I thought I was so in LOVE. He made me feel like the only girl in the world. He made me feel so pretty by letting me meet all his friends and tooting his own horn by complimenting me like "doesn't my girl look good?"

One day he dedicated "beautiful lady" by Gyptian to me while I sat on his lap and all I could do was blush. Soon I found out that he had his fourteen year old bird bath of a "ex girlfriend" pregnant. The one he claimed he couldn’t stand.

He got off the phone with me every night at 12 am, claiming he was going to bed because he had school in the morning, when in reality he was going to sleep next to her every night. Aside from all that, because I was so in "love" and blinded, I didn’t notice he had plenty girlfriends...it was about five or six of us.

I know he made all of us feel equally special. That’s wasn’t my problem though. My problem was how I DEALT WITH HIS QUICK PUMPING, SMALL PENIS, AND WACK ORAL SEX FOR ALL THAT TIME WHEN I COULD HAVE BEEN GETTING SOMETHING GREAT ELSE WHERE!  AND HE WASN'T EVEN FAITHFUL? OH NOOOOOOOO HE DIDNT !!! OH NO HE DIDN'T! 

Really? No for real, REALLY?

So I must be stupid! First dates aren’t as cracked up as they seem to be. My first mistake was meeting this dude at a party, and thinking this time things would play out differently. The introduction texts/calls started to roll in, and of course the first date time was approaching.

This dude seemed sane, so I said why not take the chance going on the date. He took me to dinner in a cozy, dim-lighting, live band, and intimate setting. I was actually impressed and felt like things were off to a great start and, then came the bullshit.

We concluded dinner, and decided to take a stroll in the area. Seems like the ideal ending to a great dinner date huh? I thought it was until it was time to depart. I decided to take a cab home but my date insisted he call his “driver” to pick us up, and I was most definitely curious to see if this “driver” really existed.

The car pulls up and it’s a gypsy cab! With a young female driver who appeared to be around my age, and if that is not suspect I don’t know what is! At this point it’s really late and I say the hell with it I will get this ride home. We pull up to my front door and he asks me to put in 5 dollars, Oh No He Didn’t, think that was ok!

Who you want me to be.

Oh, no he didn't place me on a pedestal to be the woman he created in his head.

To smile in front of his ex who is supposedly his best-friend,

To play it cool around his loud and obnoxious friends,

To tell his family members of all the positivity that I bring to his life every single day,

To brag about how much I enjoy watching football when I really don't,

To nag his sister of my age of how she should be more like me, 

To some day give me a chance to speak for myself.

I'm not perfect,

And I understand that you enjoy having THAT woman around, but how am I that woman when you’re the main one acting it out. 

He said, well, what do you want me to do choose the real you?

That's how it is?

 I was talking to this dude for about 6 months. He was friends with this boy I knew. I thought he was cute but I was too shy to say something. One day he hit me up, on facebook, yea I know. We had small talk and he asked if I wanted to go to a party. Knowing that I love to party I didn't refuse. We danced, flirted, and ended it with a small peck on the lips.

Quickly, we started to mess around. It was cool. No pressure, just two consenting young adults. When he wanted it he called when I wanted it I call.  No pressure right. Then it slowed down. That was cool because I started to see like that's what it was only going to be about, sex, and I didn't really want that anymore. (Not saying I wanted him, but you get the point).

Time went by and I curiously asked him what was up and he had the nerve to say sex isn't fun for him anymore... Girls aren't on his level, they don't think outside the box.... Okay so you just straight up told me my sex was whack? Oh no he didn't! I laughed and said that's cool.

Like I said, I was losing interest as the months went on. He wasn't my type personality wise and I was just wasting my time with someone who could care less about ME...cool. Sometime after that, I got word that he messed with one of my friends, oh word? That's how it is? So I asked him about it, and of course, he lied so I asked him again. Bing! The disrespectful idiot he is had the nerve to say "yea but she wasn't all that either"...OH NO HE DIDNT AGAIN... Feelings semi hurt.

I was honest with him and He knew I was her friend! He had to see the pictures!

Being that I didn't claim him and never introduce him to many of my friends, this wasn't figured out 6 months ago.  I didn't want to be his friend and I will NEVER GO BACK!! Not even if he was the only boy in the world!

Matter of Fact, he still checking for me 1yr later #byeboy you had your chance... Keep it pushing!
Deuces!

STAY TUNED!

A date with Pride.

When you’re little, you watch fairytale movies and obsess over  happy endings. You can’t wait until it’s your turn. You grow up and suddenly reality hits and you realize that finding your happy ending isn’t as simple as you once thought.

I’ve tried being open to love and it failed a couple of times which led to find this comfortable state of being alone and liking someone halfway to avoid getting hurt. I never realized the effect it had on me until I met him. Suddenly my heart was beginning to open and my outlook on love was changing but something was still holding me back. I wasn’t aware of what it was, so I continued to brush things off thinking it wasn’t a big deal because "he’s still around".

I was distracted by all of the good times not quite focused on the fact that we weren’t progressing. I was blinded and I didn’t even know it until I wanted this guy in a way that I never wanted anyone else. By that time, he had already found someone else to want him back the way that I wanted him. At that point my first reaction was "am I not good enough?  What’s wrong with me?"

                                                                                                                     

Then it hit me, I never actually gave myself to him emotionally because of my pride. I didn’t want to be a sucker. I thought by going into this situation with a nonchalant attitude that I was protecting myself. If I only knew that I was setting myself up to be hurt, I would have gone in with a different approach. Because of him I learned to love. Like they say "a closed mouth don’t get fed" and they weren’t lying because when love was knocking on my door I was on a date with pride.

Water, FIGHT!

It was the hottest summer day known to any kid on the block. My two friends and I decided to go buy some bootleg water guns from the corner store because I was the only one that had an actual super soaker.

We decided to meet up with another friend we went to school with who also lived in the neighborhood. I guess she would be considered a "bad" Spanish girl because all the boys in our grade liked her. Tuh! Anyway… we were all having a water fight amongst each other until things took a turn for the worst.

Before the water fight, we all said that we didn't want to wet our hair so we didn't get our asses kicked when we got back home. I remember having a fresh perm too! Soon laughs turned into yelling because my friend, the only Spanish girl in the bunch started yelling at me saying that I wet her hair knowing I didn't.

No one yells at me. NO ONE! So to make my point, I decided to WET her hair and explain to her that’s what wet hair feels like!! And here I was, having my first fight! She snatched my water gun, I knocked hers out her hand and things got blurry...

After all was said and done, I thought about it, I was having a fight over a water-gun and wet hair? Yes indeed. She broke my water-gun couldn't be serious all I could do was laugh. I thought Spanish b*tches could get their hair wet though?

N.Y.P.D Blues.

So, I’m sure everyone is well aware of the epic, yet undisclosed battle between the Black male and the N.Y.P.D (or any police department for that matter).  Due to the powers of hip-hop, movies, and other propaganda, it seems that Black males have an innate disgust for the N.Y.P.D (don’t quote me on that, the FEDs follow NoLabels too).  Surprisingly, this wasn’t the case for me; I had nothing against police, until it happened. ‘It’ being the first instance that the relationship between the N.Y.P.D and I blossomed (for lack of a better term).

I was pretty young, about 15/16 years old; summertime and we were headed to a par-tay! Being young and naïve I didn’t see anything wrong with mobbing with about 12 other dudes, all dressed in over sized jeans, durags (some 2-tone to match their outfits lol), big fitted caps and jerseys. Oh yeah, did I mention we were in the suburbs of Staten Island? (I already said I was naïve so don’t shake your head at me) I guess after that tidbit of information, you could probably finish the story off yourself, but don’t, let me. So we all head to the party, party hard, now we’re heading home.

We’re walking home, bragging/lying about the numbers we got and whatnot. Then it happened: BWOOP BWOOP! The red and blue lights go off and block us off in the middle of the street. A few scatter, I was one of the 3 that didn’t get away. Cops ask for I.D. and claim that they received some complaints about us making noise or whatever. Next thing I know, I’m in cuffs for “Blocking Vehicular Traffic” a.k.a “Walking in the street”. That fast I went from smiling and laughing with friends to handcuffed and sitting in the precinct.

After my parents came and picked me up, I couldn’t understand why my mother and sisters were crying so much. I just kept thinking, at least I didn’t go to jail. It didn’t hit me until after everything happened, just how scary a situation like that is, to be at the mercy of the justice system, where anything can happen. This situation taught me a few things:

1.       Rollin’ deep is a no-no

2.       Run as soon as you hear that sound

3.       Most important, take that friggin’ two tone durag off!

First Everything.

I was 16. He was there. He had this aura that I never felt before. He was all that I could think of. At that time I was single. Me and boys, ha… I mean I had crushes but nothing like this. He was different. He actually liked me back. I know it’s hard to believe but he liked me back. I was even shocked.

Me have a boyfriend? At that time, I wasn't pressed like most girls. I focused on having fun and that didn't involve dating. I like the idea of it but didn't press the situation. He and I became we and I loved it.
1st date. 1st love...1st kiss.

My first kiss by my first boyfriend who unfortunately wasn't my first. Ha. He gave me butterflies, he made me laugh, he made me feel special and most importantly, he broke my heart. He made me feel like I wasn't worth him like we didn't match. But in everyone's eyes we were perfect. We worked.

Obviously I was oblivious to a quick destruction. I learned that day that I could hurt. I could break down. I couldn't have a happy ending, at that time. It honestly scarred me, sad to say. I never fell that hard, never wanted to.

I realize today that you have to face these trials in order to get to your happy ending. You are entitled to choose what works for you. Your 1st doesn't have to be your last and for that I thank him.

My First Videos.

My First Love



My First Time

Just Friends.

Life is truly interesting and, you are never fully prepared for what things may come your way. Through this “wild card” life I’ve encountered my first experience of accepting reality over what I want. Sometimes it is just best to remain friends with a person rather than aim to make that relationship intimate. It is definitely easier said than done, but if you value a friendship with that person it is always the best decision if having “more” isn’t meant to be.

I have been a friend with a special person for a while, and most people would agree that nothing is better than a boyfriend who is your friend first. That is exactly what I wanted, but realistically what you want isn’t exactly what will work out. All relationships are messy, and things can end on horrible terms. In the spring of 2010 I faced a rude awakening that things would never be more than a friendship with this dude, but accepting that notion is very satisfying.

The acceptance process wasn’t an overnight thing, and it did involve a heated conversation that included nothing but the truth. I’ve learned through this situation that if that person is worth keeping a friend that conversation is necessary to have. In the end you both will win!

My Worth.

My first, Was my WORST,

But he showed me my worth.

Hurt me, then tried to return into my life; so I hit him where it hurts! 

Not knowing he'd grow feelings for me; His heartless games was rehearsed. 

I viewed it as THIRST!

Its "you never miss the water till the well runs dry" NOT when your submersed!

On me, his "asshole" tendencies were dispersed. 

And it backfired; reversed.

His balls got shut down. 

Cause when I needed him he was never around. 

And now he wants to make an effort?

It’s too late. 

I’m worth way more than anything that will ever have to make me wait.

No arguments no debates. 

He was the first so I opened the gate. 

His sex was painful but the love was great. 

Not enough to make me say, everything he was doing was okay. 

And it damn sure wasn’t enough to make me stay. 

Especially since NO ONE has ever disrespected me that way.

He did it silently. 

His mouth stayed still but his eyes would speak. 

Walk so smooth wouldn’t make a squeak. 

The way he said "I love you" always made me weak. 

And in the late of night he was a super freak. 

But its game I peeped.

I became too experienced for his renditions.

And I tried to forgive him,

But I became too full of resentment. 

I found my heart in someone else’s contentment. 

Then he became upset when I left him...

Some nerve!

Suddenly what came over me was this epiphany of happiness like a rebirth.

My First Was My Worst, 

But He Showed Me My Worth.

Fresh meat.

Entering as a freshman, students refer to as fresh meat. Eyeballed by the upper class-men as you walk by on campus looking for the building where your class is. Of course, I wasn't asking a student where a particular building was, so they can realize that I'm a new student. Nope, not me, but I did consult the custodians. Yeah, I said it the custodians, there's one in every building, on every floor, in every bathroom.

The start of the college life didn't faze me. I didn't understand why my friends were so overwhelmed with "getting away" with an agenda to be wild. I mean, I was already independent with freedom. To me it was nothing more than new faces, new experiences and nothing but opportunity. However, I did feel the weight of responsibilities.

My first sight of the expensive textbooks, the overbearing duties on the syllabus, running back and forth to the financial aid office for F*cked up transactions, and dealing with the attitudes of the staffs at the registrar's office. I don't get it, why have an attitude if someone wants help? I'm pretty sure it was included in the job description, isn't it?

So duty calls, but on the bright side my freshman year went by smooth. There are always the ups and downs in doing something new.

who we are, an introduction.

Welcome to NoLabelsBKLYN, a newly formed outlet created to address all the relationship encounters everyone never fails to surpass.

No Labels was formed by a group of Brooklyn native females who all agreed that it was not only essential but vital to show readers that we ALL share the same trivial relationship experiences.

Entering this idea of providing others an opportunity to anonymously share their relationship experiences was one the creators could not resist. The creators also understand that these stories are personal, therefore submitting anonymous stories will allow for the privacy of our readers entries. During the navigation of this blog readers will be presented with a vast variety of topics that are not out of the ordinary. It is also crucial to be aware that “relationships” are more than the intimate opposite sex type. We are sharing stories that have evolved from ALL types of relationships with the predestined goal of progressing through future ones.

This creative online environment will allow for a therapeutic atmosphere that would serve as a stress reliever for some, and just simply support for others. Through recurring life experiences and flourishing through the growth phase as young adults it is no surprise that these factors play a huge role in what builds our identity. Whether the experience is positive or negative it will have an effect on how you choose to interact with people continuing on. Here at No Labels blog you will find you’re not alone and that others are and have been in the same predicaments you have faced.

NoLabelsBKLYN welcomes you to a new home for all of your thoughts to be expressed, and we value your choice to take this journey with us!

What to expect!

We have so much in store for you on NoLabelsBKLYN! Look For a New posting twice a week Sunday and Wednesday’s, as well as weekly themes to have you on edge. Below is a list of post to expect.

Advice columns:

We are open to answer all questions that you may have about a certain situation. Though we are not trained professional, we are determined to point you in the right direction. All advice will be coming from OUR personal experiences and it is up to you to take the advice in to consideration.

Video panels

Once a month starting in February, we will sit down and discuss various topics that our readers want to discuss. We will also sit down with our friends, readers and or family to get their views as well.

Music:

Most of us look to music to help us express our feelings and emotions. Here on No Labels, we will feature themes on particular days, and have songs/videos that coincides with that theme.  

Your stories, on our Blog.

We are looking forward to getting stories from you! NoLabels will open up the blog for your anonymous stories as well. This outlet will give us a chance to learn from you as you are learning from us. 

Stay Tuned...

Wednesday will be the premiere of our "My First..." post.

Are You Ready?